Anniversaries are usually a time to celebrate.
We had a lot to celebrate in 2015 as one son turned 16, my husband and I achieved milestone birthdays, and we celebrated a landmark anniversary.
2016 has been a bit different, also full of anniversaries, but not anniversaries I’m particularly inclined to celebrate.
March 24, 2016 was the first anniversary of the ski accident at Lake Louise that left me on the couch, recovering from a full shoulder dislocation and broken arm. Suffice it to say that while I skied this year on March 24, I did not ski well, spooked by thoughts of another fall.
Late May marked a spate of medical anniversaries, culminating on May 29, the day of my cancer diagnosis.
In a serendipitous bit of good fortune, Aspen Mountain was open on the 29, so my family and I skied on this bittersweet day.
June 9 found me remembering a surgical anniversary.
And then there is June 17, the of my diagnosis with Lynch Syndrome, a hereditary genetic mutation that causes cancer and which my two sons may have inherited. This diagnosis has been difficult for me, and, at times, devastating.
More Lessons, Darn It
Over the past year, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve written about some of the lessons I’ve learned, but I’ve largely been silent since August.
So today, as a means of marking all of these anniversaries, I’m sharing a few more lessons and hard-won knowledge. I hope you find it helpful.
Erase the Happy Face
While I had a very fortunate outcome (and believe me, I express gratitude every day), not all of my news was good. Not wanting to burden anyone, I flipped my feelings on their head and became more grateful, mindful and meditative.
On the whole, this was a good response. But I didn’t allow myself to grieve and found myself psychically paralyzed as winter turned to spring.
Long story short, there is no way to avoid processing and acknowledging painful feelings. You can’t take any shortcuts. You have to feel what you are feeling, and at least in my case, therapy has helped a lot.
Circles of Caring
When I announced that I had cancer, the outpouring was incredible. The love, support, energy, prayers and kind thoughts I received bolstered my spirits and the love of friends, both known and unknown, overwhelmed our family.
We were staggered by the goodness of our fellow human beings. Truly, it was humbling.
One of our friends shared an article full of excellent advice for dealing with friends and family and in crisis. We’ve referred to it again and again when talking to friends who’ve had bad diagnoses, a death in the family or some other type of loss.
“How Not to Say the Wrong Thing” was published in the Los Angeles Times in 2013. It can be easily summed up as “comfort in, dump out.”
And while the illustration is helpful, the text is brilliant. I hope you’ll take the time to read it.
Three Don’ts
Beyond this article, here are three additional don’ts to keep in mind when a friend tells you she has cancer (or any other bad news).
- Don’t let your first response be about you. Yes, cancer is terrifying, but express concern and love before scanning your body for similar symptoms. If you’re interested in the symptoms of a certain cancer, don’t ask, Google.
- Don’t say “You’re lucky you had a good cancer.” The doctor who diagnosed me led with this, telling me that I was lucky and that “if you have to have cancer, this is a good one to have.” This was the first of many other stupid things, so I fired him. While I am endlessly grateful for my outcome, there is no good cancer.
- Don’t insinuate that the person gave themself cancer. One person suggested that my cancer was a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” Another asked “Do you think you gave yourself cancer?” No, I do not. Nor do I think that an occasional bad attitude will cause cancer to return or that I can cure any disease by being relentlessly positive.
Three Dos
- Do check in with friends who’ve suffered illness and loss. I have a friend whose husband died in a car accident. After one year many of her friends expected her to move on. She was still grieving and felt isolated and alone. Learning from her story, I’m making a point of reaching out to friends when I think of them. It’s so easy to shoot someone a quick text, send an email or meet up for a walk to them know that you care.
- Do speak up for yourself. If you suspect your family may have a genetic predisposition to disease, advocate for yourself and discuss this with your doctor. Be aware that current genetic screening guidelines may not address all the realities. Depending upon your family health history, you could have a genetic mutation without realizing it. Because my mother did not have cancer, we thought she didn’t carry the mutation and I hadn’t inherited it. Wrong on both counts.
- Do be forgiving and thankful. No one is comfortable talking about disease, death or misfortune. Until I walked this walk, I probably said some unintentionally devastating things to friends in need. I hope they have forgiven me, as I’ve forgiven others. As for being thankful, I am, on so many counts.
Most of all, I’m thankful for those who have helped through the past year (and that includes YOU!)
Cheers.
Previously…
- The Rock In My Way, June 8, 2015.
- The Not At All Brave (Ski) Mom, June 22, 2015.
- Holding You In the Light, July 6, 2015.
- Lessons Learned, August 3, 2015.
- Today is Lynch Syndrome Hereditary Cancer Awareness Day, March 22, 2016.
© 2016 – 2017, braveskimom. All rights reserved. Any use or publication of content, including photos, requires express permission.
Lake Lili says
I’m thinking that you need to start capitalizing the BRAVE in The Brave Ski Mom. Really appreciate the effort and the message in this post.
braveskimom says
Thanks Lili! I’m not sure I’m really all that brave…but writing helps me to make sense of what’s happening. More than anything, this diagnosis is really an endurance contest. Thanks for helping me endure!
Lake Lili says
Anytime! Some day we’ll find a mountain in the middle and take a run… and you can have a good laugh at my bad skiing.
braveskimom says
Sounds fun, although I’d never laugh. All moms get full marks for getting out there.
Jen Charrette (@pedaladventures) says
Beautiful. Thank you for writing this and although I don’t know what you are going through I can relate in someways to these words. It’s also hard when people say “you’re so strong” (or brave) or “I could never live through that..” because while it’s good to be acknowledged in a positive light it makes you feel even more alienated from the world. And related is… “God only gives you what you can handle” because while yes some people do handle things many more can not or do not. Or sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe if I was weak God would have picked someone else. I also think #1 of the 3 Dos is so important. There is so much outpouring and attention in the beginning and then 99% of the people go away. Luckily those 1% are lifesavers. I try to remember to be there long after for people but it is really hard. I hope you continue to heal both physically and emotionally.
braveskimom says
Thanks Jen. You are so right about “God only gives you what you can handle.” While it is meant (I think) to encourage people to endure, I can see why one might prefer to be too weak to handle whatever God is dishing out.
Personally, I don’t think God deals the cards and hands out tragedy or illness or misfortune. Those things simply exist in the world. I don’t think God plays favorites or gives extra credit for rough times.
I haven’t been as great about keeping up with you as I’d like, but I think of you often, especially whenever I see photos of your adorable family on the beach or notice that the calendar is looping back through February. Please let me know next time you’re in W. Colorado. I’d love to personally catch up with you.
And finally, as long as we’re on the topic of things people say…What the heck does “hang in there” really mean? I’ve looked up the origin of the phrase and no one seems to know where it came from or why (other than kitten posters).
Ideas? Thanks! XOXOXOXO
Jen Charrette (@pedaladventures) says
I never thought about “Hang In There” but yes that one is an odd one and I’ve probably said it. In reality people can give me all the platitudes in world and I’ll usually just be happy they said something, anything. People mean well and it’s hard to say the right thing. I often struggle and then end up saying nothing and I know that is the wrong path. Anyway, yes we are on a bit of a trip right now but will be back in the Fall. Would love to see you all! Have a good rest of the summer and hang in there;)
braveskimom says
You, too. ❤️
julesolder says
Wonderfully said.
braveskimom says
Thank you for that comment and for your never-ending support all year!
Val Weston says
Thank you so much. This is great perspective. It’s astounding what people say. I try to be understanding and gently redirect insensitive comments but it takes a lot of energy.
I’ve been working a similar piece about life after trauma but I’ve been a little stuck. I think you may have helped me shake that loose. 🙂
braveskimom says
I hope you’ve been well shaken! Thanks for the support Val. xx