My fourteen-year old recently asked me this question. He overheard me telling a friend how happy I was to be able to say “soy una escritora” in my Spanish class and mean it. He asked “why didn’t you answer soy una madre?” Why indeed?
When I was in high school, I was one of seven valedictorians of my senior class (yes, that is and was ridiculous and we could debate at length why our school couldn’t pick just one valedictorian, but that is beside the point). One of the other valedictorians, a girl named Julie, said to me in a not very nice moment, “you’ll never have a career. You’re going to be just a mom.” “NO WAY!” I thought, right before I thought to myself how much I really didn’t like this girl.
Today her words haunt me. Why “just a mom?” Why not family CEO and human development engineer? When our oldest was one, we left him at my parents’ home and went to Vail to stay overnight and ski with friends. A man I didn’t know very well asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was a stay-at-home mom. He said, “Oh, no. You mean you are a CEO, a CFO, engineer, chef…” and about ten other high-powered and flattering titles that I can’t remember.
These days, with my children much more self-sufficient, I often think of myself not as someone with high-powered titles, but more as someone who does the mind-numbing, exhausting work of illegal immigrants: cleaning, lawn care and food preparation. Recognizing that many of these immigrants may have Masters degrees just like me, but couldn’t find work in their home countries, I bear them no ill will. We are comrades in arms in the domestic labor mill.
I love my sons and there are times when being at home with them has been magical. I am relieved that as they progress through their teen years that I am home after school to supervise and support them. I know they appreciate me being at home, as they have actually told me they feel “lucky.” I feel “lucky” too.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a mom. Soy una madre.
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So true! Last week N had career week and was all excited to gather pharmacy-related things. I asked her what she was going to do for me (also a SAHM), and she said, “Oh Mom, you don’t have a career.” Questioning led us to…b/c I don’t get a paycheck, I don’t have an office, etc. I didn’t care at all if she presented my job at career day, but I don’t want her to get stuck in “just a mom” mentality for her sake and mine.
After the classroom presentations, I asked Naomi what kinds of careers were talked about. There were doctors, pharmacists, architects, even a dog groomer…but no kiddos presented stay at home parenting as a career.
We *so* gotta keep talking about the value of this!
Well said. I certainly would much rather be at home with the kids than commuting on the MARC train 🙂 I have been enjoying your blog!
Hi Tracy, well the MARC train was fun at the time, but I don’t miss the stress of my DC job. Thanks for the kind words! We’ll have to catch up soon. Maybe meet on vacation again! Best to all at your home.
Angie, I remember almost the exact same scenario, and let me tell you, insurance just isn’t that interesting, but to the boys it was much more interesting than SAHM. Now that they are older, the see that I am here to drive them and their friends around and they appreciate my presence. They also like coming home to an inhabited house! Stay the course, SAHM! PS — Reading A Visit from the Goon Squad! Lovin’ it.
BSM – great post – I know how fortunate kids who have a parent at home are and how difficult it is for paretns who can’t be home with kids. Keep up the great work!
Oh my! C. informed me she was disappointed that she is one of the only kids in her class that doesn’t have to go to before/aftercare at school. I was blown away. We had a long talk about the pros and cons of me being home. She doesn’t yet appreciate me being home. She is aware that I had a career before she came along and we talk about it often and she knows I work a little now, but because it has little impact on her, she blows it off. I lay it on thick with the options she has – telling her she can be anything she wants and do whatever she wants, just maybe not all at the same time.
I’m continually amazed at how “just a mom” said by those who haven’t done it, quickly changes to appreciative respect once they’ve lived it! Sometimes the bravest choice we can make is to be a SAHM… courageous in facing the monotony and mundane, the financial setbacks, the lack of obvious accomplishment and rewards, etc. Not to disrespect moms who work – they are Brave in a different way. Really, the Bravery is in birthing (either from our bodies or thru adoption) and raising a child! Keep up the good work mamas!