When our son was 9 years old, he placed second overall for the season in our local ski racing club. It was his first year of racing and he was absolutely thrilled. His coaches congratulated him, breaking the good news with smiles, hugs and a round of M&Ms and high fives.
I was, to say the least, quite proud. So, I arrived at the end-of-season-awards party, camera in hand, prepped to take some Olympic-style photos of my son, on the podium, sporting his medal.
I never got those shots.
Sometime between the last race of the season that morning and the afternoon award’s ceremony, my son’s name was mistakenly dropped. So instead of happy silver medal photos, we had tears.
I tracked down the race director as quickly as I could. Her answer was along the lines of “whoops.” And while the club eventually made it right, my son received his medal in the mail.
It wasn’t a good photo opp. The magic was lost. It was a pretty hollow victory.
Rolling With It Until I Can No Longer Roll
If you ask my son today whether or not that event mattered to him, I bet he might not even remember. He’s won plenty of medals, and had plenty of defeats, in the intervening years, not just in sports, but at school and in life.
We all do. And, I try to tell myself that “life isn’t fair,” and roll with it.
But every once in a while, something happens that IS JUST NOT RIGHT. These are things that make a normally sane mother crazy.
Two years after the silver medal debacle, our son was in a ski accident where everything went wrong and nothing was right. I’ve written about it, and the process of putting words on paper helped me to work out a lot of my fear, anger and frustration. I also learned, at that time, that even if life isn’t fair, sometimes it’s worth fighting for what’s simply right.
After that event rocked our lives, I swore that I would never again let others define our positions and our rights.
It’s A Personal Problem
Through the years, this mama bear instinct has generally served me well. Last year, something pushed me so far that I staged my own personal “sit-in” in the school office to explain an event that I passionately believed was unfair.
I didn’t win the argument, but at least I got to calmly state my position and I know the principal heard me. I truly think we both learned something and we both left feeling good about the situation.
Most recently, the tables turned and I had to advocate for myself. It was, to say the least, traumatic. As a mom, as a woman, it’s much easier for me to protect, promote and support my kids than it is to protect, promote and support myself.
I feel guilty speaking up, making a “big deal” or being a “bother.” I don’t think most men feel that way. I think many of them just state their piece and move on.
When I state my piece, I worry how I’m being perceived and I worry about losing “friends.” I end up self-censoring, second-guessing and feeling pretty lousy – even if things are resolved in my favor.
And really, all I want is to be heard. But it’s hard to be heard when you’re censoring yourself.
Where do you come down on advocating for your kids? For yourself? Am I the only one who feels guilty for speaking up? And where does this stupid guilt come from? I’d love to read your thoughts.
Cheers!
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julesolder says
Good one, BSM. Keep on keeping one.
vickie says
Kristin,
As women we often somehow are ‘taught’ that advocating for something we as individuals did or believe in is somehow wrong. Here is the kicker, and I am not a man hater or a pro women individual but a ‘pro personal’ respect individual. Societal rules or repercussions are different for each person when they take a position-especially if it is unpopular. Hopefully one day we can look at each person with very few stereotypes and assumptions as possible.
We cannot control an individual’s actions/words. We can only control our reaction to them and their comments/opinions. I am not sure what you encountered but I hope that you managed to stay true to who you are for you do have a strong support base on the web and I for one like to hear your ‘honesty’ in your blogs.
First, If you have a strong stance on something…say it. It is a part of who you are and if you truly do believe in that stance -state it. Factually and support your position. Those who know you and understand you will still be there after your position is clarified. If they are not…then they are not friends.
Second, respect is indeed earned over the long haul. Sometime it is ‘granted’ short term due to a title or achievement someone has made but if any respect is given over the length of time it is because someone earned it through action and follow through. Sometimes the most respect is earned when we walk the tough path even if it is unpopular. That is a true leader.
Third, is change. We only have ourselves to credit/blame if we didn’t at least try to change the options/positions we feel are wrong or need correcting. The presumptions may still be there afterward but we can look ourselves in the mirror and know that we gave 100% in trying to make things right.
I am sorry you have encountered difficulty/conflict but if at the end of the day you were ‘true to yourself’ and gave 100% to correcting the situation then you should be proud.
braveskimom says
Vickie, thank you so much. Your words are really wise and I hope that I can always be true to myself and act as my conscious demands. You inspire me! And thanks for reading and taking the time to respond. I love our community. You’re an important part of it! Cheers, Kristen
braveskimom says
Thanks Jules! Appreciate your support.
Kara Williams says
Oh, Kristin – I can relate on many levels. I have fought for my kids harder than I’ve ever fought for myself (i.e. campaigning against crappy teachers, speaking at school board meetings). But if anything, in recent years, I’ve become more of an advocate for *myself* because of it. Or maybe it’s age. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with friends/acquaintances who do me wrong. I don’t volunteer for things that aren’t fun. I’ll be honest, I don’t feel guilty for speaking up or saying “no” — ever. Overall I don’t tend to have the mom guilt gene. I’m doing my best with the amount of time and energy I’ve got; that’s all I can do and all I can teach my kids to do.
On another note, I read you entire post about your son’s ski accident at age 11. My daughter is getting her driver’s permit soon. An excellent reminder to tell her what she needs to do if she were ever in an accident and we aren’t around. I appreciate your sharing that story!
braveskimom says
Kara, so nice to hear from you! I love that you’ve left guilt behind…or maybe were never predisposed to it! That’s my goal and you’re right, it’s a great gift to pass onto our children.
I’m glad you found the post on my son’s accident helpful. Our younger son got his license last week (!) and we do believe the ski accident has made both boys more aware of the possible ramifications of simple mistakes. Accidents happen, but unfortunately, our society believes in blame.
As for unsolicited “learn-to-drive” advice, we required both of our sons to have 150 hours of drive time, not just the state-required 50 hours. This has given us tremendous peace of mind. We also made them drive in the snow — all the time — and took them to snowed in parking lots on weekends to practice skidding and correcting.
Good luck! I’m sure she’ll be a great driver.
velomom says
Always an inspiration and it’s nice to have a Mom of boys provide insight into the years ahead. We had a similar mishap at a bike race last year. K won but the results didn’t have his name. At the podium the other kids confirmed he won so the guy just put him up gave him a prize and left it at that. I didn’t follow-up with the official as we try not to push the competition thing too much and honestly thought they would figure it out but I later realized he indeed was officially left off the results completely and it impacted his overall Colorado State standings. Although I still think he’s too young to worry about results I wish I had been a better advocate because he did earn it. I fear looking like that ‘crazy mom’ and that sometimes holds me back.
braveskimom says
I hear you Jen! No one wants to be the crazy mom — or the “sports” parent. There are so many bad stereotypes out there. Yet if we don’t advocate for our children, who will? It’s been a hard lesson for me to learn, yet I don’t want my kids getting short changed due to my reticence. I just try to do it quietly! 🙂 Good luck!
braveskimom says
Here’s a bit more on sports parenting, too! https://braveskimom.com/i-am-a-sports-parent
Holly Resignolo says
xoxo
braveskimom says
Thanks Holly. I know you know a lot about this. xoxo right back at you!
Mary says
What a good blog today. We could have a full day’s discussion on why the guilt? I read somewhere that men feel guilty when they do something wrong while women feel guilty over the things they think they should have done and didn’t. Are we just born feeling guilt as women? Sure does seem prevalent and natural.*
*and a waste of good time??
braveskimom says
Yes, definitely a waste of good time! Thanks so much for more food for thought!